Joy, Anxiety, and Self-Discovery Tale
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Tina: Hi everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Tina's Arena. Today I have on my friend Kass and she's here to tell us a story

Kass: whew. Hi guys. My name's Kass Di Pasquale. I born and raised in LaSalle, and I'm an interior designer and.

What was the topic that you had said though? It was joy. Joy and self discovery, joy and self discovery. I've got so many different stories, but up until this point, it's almost like I felt as if my life was happening to me, and I didn't come up with any of this until.

Now, so at the time it just happens to you, right? Mm-hmm. I had two babies. I had a house. I had just left a career in finance, which was so draining. And it just didn't feel good. And so I had got into interior design and that it was spark and joy. When I first got into it, we had bought a house and we did just little things to it here or there, [00:01:00] and I was like, this is fun. I can do this.

Our kids were a little bit older, and I was working a very stressful job. I had anxiety, I had feelings, I was sad. And honestly, I had no idea why. Mm-hmm. So at the time, I think I had been with my partner, I don't know, maybe seven years. Yeah, maybe five or six years. I go to my partner, right, of course, naturally. And, and I'm just like, I don't feel happy and like, I don't wanna say I had moments.

Everyone has happy moments, but. I had anxiety and I didn't know what it was. So when I came to him, he was a registered nurse at the time. So I'm thinking, all right, this is like a physical thing, right? What's going on in my chest here?

And I couldn't take a full breath and I didn't know what that was. And so just pair that with lots of crying, lots of calling my friend like, what's wrong with me? I had all the things in life that society tells you that you should have [00:02:00] to be happy. Like this is your life. You've got the kids, you've got the job, you've got the guy, you've got the house, you've got the car.

And as I'm saying this out loud, they're all very external things. Mm-hmm. And so when I went to him and I actually remember one of those core memories where I'm sitting on the stairs and I'm like, I don't know what's wrong. And he is like, well, you should go get some help. It was the tone. But whatever, fine, fine.

I'll go get help then since I need help. So I did, I'd gone through a couple different therapists at this point. It's been over seven years, seven or eight years now, since that time.

Tina: Mm-hmm

Kass: I did some EMDR therapy, which was really interesting. I started meditating , doing yoga , And really just taking care of myself. And so I practiced different things. ~. So ~for a hot second, I was like vegan, vegetarian. I was really just kind of experimenting and exploring and doing.

All these things. And throughout this process then of [00:03:00] course COVID hits

and I started really just listening to whatever my body was telling me and I actually even stopped shaving for a little bit everything because I was just. You start shaving things when you're a child.

Tina: Mm-hmm.

Kass: I don't know how old you were, but I think I was in like grade five or six when I started shaving things.

I'm Italian,

so, right. So when you do it for so long, I'm just like, why? Because my mom told me I had to mm-hmm. No shame to my mom. But yeah, so I just was, what am I comfortable with? Mm-hmm. And. And so then I started, you know, just doing things for me and it kept going. So drinking right and eating or my hair and dyeing it.

I started to see a massage therapist and. And maybe I should backtrack just a little bit. So I met a friend, I met an adult friend in COVID, [00:04:00] and she comes to me one time and she's like, I, you have to go see this massage therapist.

Like he's got like chakra stones on the bottom of his bed. And he did like reiki and she had never done anything like this. And I was like, yes, that sounds like my magical man. So I started seeing him and he just. Really then opened up my eyes to how much our body can store emotion. Here I am, it's like my first session with this guy who I think I'm just going in for a massage with and I'm bawling my eyes out.

Mm-hmm.

And, and I just did my best to like breathe through it and think about what was coming up. And so it was within a couple of his sessions that I realized I had gone there for a particular relationship that I was struggling with at the time. And then I realized that it was a whole other one. That I should have been dealing with.

And, I don't even wanna say it in a negative way, but I had all of the things right. And then we move into [00:05:00] this beautiful house, the one that you had seen on Martin Lane. Mm-hmm. Beautiful, beautiful house. I still, I still love that house. And it was just recently for sale again. I was like, I don't want it still, I still can't afford it though.

But yeah, we buy this house and. I'm still focusing on me. Doing my best to honor my body, my wants, my needs, which are mo mostly needs. They were mostly needs, whether it be physical, emotional, whatever you could think of. And yeah, we still couldn't quite hack it together. And so, for lack of a better phrase, I.

I tore everything down. Mm-hmm. Tore everything down, down to the studs, down to the bones. I mean, at one point throughout that process, I remember just like kind of feeling like I wanted somebody to be there for it and to hold me through it. And.

But at the same time I was like, I can do this. And I [00:06:00] had never cried so hard in my whole life, like total belly heaving, and it felt, it felt healing. Mm-hmm. It was wild. And so, yeah, I feel like, so now I'm in the rebuild phase of my whole self discovery and what keeps coming up for me are like things I liked as a kid.

Right. And just getting back to, I don't know, not giving a shit what anyone else thinks. Mm-hmm. And remembering that all of, all of the things that I think, like everyone's worried about themselves. So, yeah, now I'm completely rebuilding, still discovering new things. A lot that I didn't realize too, like comes down to your cycle and hormones and things I've had to like play this game of like, is this something I need to work on?

Or is my estrogen just low? Yes. Right. Do I just need to eat a [00:07:00] raw carrot salad or do I indulge in the donuts that I really fucking want right now? So, so yeah. Now I just feel like it is kind of playing this little bit of a balancing game of. I don't know who do I wanna be? Right? So, like I said, I felt like a lot of life was happening to me, and yes, I made choices.

We all have choices. There's actually, I noticed a lot in movies and shows we're like, kinda shit. It's the fan. And people say, I didn't have a choice. I'm like, yes you did. Mm-hmm. Everything is a choice. And so don't get me wrong, yes. I was making, making choices. But they were almost reactive.

Mm-hmm. They were

reactive instead of choosing, instead of deciding.

And when you don't feel like you're choosing and deciding, then it's like, I don't know. I think you end up with this unhappy life.

Yeah.

I wonder [00:08:00] if this resonates with you, but it sounds like, 'cause in my childhood growing up, like my happiness never really mattered.

Ooh. I never knew how to gauge things that I wanted because I was supposed to just make other people happy.

Ooh, that's deep. You talk about that.

Tina: It's not about me.

Kass: Well I'll hold the microphone,

Tina: but you know what I mean. I think that's what it feels like when things just happen to you. Yeah.

It's 'cause like, well, my priorities never mattered, so I never made choices. I made choices, but like they weren't for me. Yes, yes.

Kass: So yes, I don't wanna say that it doesn't resonate. I think the thing that comes up for me was perhaps not having the moments that actually let me fail and figure it out. So again, this is no shame to my mom. I love her with all my heart. But she definitely, and I do it too as a mom. [00:09:00] And I have to catch myself, and I'll sometimes say it out loud, but we wanna save our kids.

Mm-hmm. Right? From the uncomfortable feelings, from the failure. We want them to feel good, we want them to be comfortable. And I don't know that I had the moments where I was supposed to fail and figure it out to give me the confidence of like, yes, I chose this, and oh shit,

Tina: yeah,

Kass: I shouldn't, I should have chose different or whatever.

And then that ability that, um. Whatever, it's kinda like a muscle, right? Whatever you wanna call it, so that you can learn from it and you make a better choice next time. So I feel like that might have been a little bit more

Tina: Yeah, that's a good reflection.

Kass: Right. And so then, you know, as I was making decisions, I was constantly told that they weren't good ones.

And this is, real from people in my life or their own projections of shame and guilt or whatever the projection was. [00:10:00] Whether it came to money or, having two very happy accidents as children. Mm-hmm. Right? Love them. Wouldn't change a thing. But even that was not, intentional decisions.

Tina: How did you start figuring out what you want?

Kass: Ooh, with a partner?

Tina: Just in general. Just in general. Like making the, starting to make the decisions that were right for you.

Kass: So, I mean, with the physical stuff, I think it was kind of easy. It wasn't. So like for example, I love, I love my long hair, and I'm okay maintaining it.

So I think for a long time I had it in my mind, and I'll give better examples here, I promise. But this is just the easiest one. For a long time I had short hair and it was easy. I had young kids, I didn't have to do anything to it.

Tina: Mm-hmm.

Kass: And so now I feel better with long hair. Like, I, I like it. I don't mind styling it all the time.

And I mean, we have our hair wash days, right. And it's [00:11:00] not every day. Right. What does it look like right now? But, so I, I tried the hat on, so whatever it was, I just sat with it. So, and I actually told my clients the same thing because it's, it's the same thing when we're renovating something. So it's like, just instead of an easy, like instead of being quick with it, I just sit with it.

Mm-hmm. Whatever it is. It could be, you know, if I wanna book a trip or, 'cause that was another fun self-discovery thing, going camping by yourself. Oh, okay. Um, excuse me. But just sitting with it and just trying the hat on because what's the worst that could happen? So in my past relationship, I wasn't really able to dream.

It didn't seem like we were able to dream and I'd bring things up, whether it was, you know, again, planning a trip or just wanting to explore or experience or what does our retirement life look [00:12:00] like when we don't have these kids anymore? Just dreaming about it and because, you know, like you have to be able to envision things if you really want them to happen.

Tina: Mm-hmm.

Kass: It's called manifesting. Look it up. Do you ever see that girl on Instagram? No. Oh, she's so funny. Um, but. That I wasn't able to try the hats on, right. Of potentially where we wanted to retire or what trip we did want to take next. And so I just sit with it for a little bit and I do research and I look into things. I sit with it. I try it on, I do a little bit of research and I try not to make an impulsive decision.

Tina: Okay.

Kass: Yeah. It took me seven years to leave that relationship,

Tina: Well, did you. No, you wanted to leave for seven years, is that what you mean? Or it took you seven years to realize that?

Kass: Was told I was the problem. Okay. So it took me a long time to just realize that yes, I have things to work on.

Thousand [00:13:00] percent. I am not perfect. I don't claim to be. But there's still baseline needs for human connection. For emotional connection for certain types of intimacy. It's not always sex. I was told , I was the problem for a lot of my life, not just from him, so I think it just took me a while to find the confidence in. Who I was. Sounds really cheesy. I don't mean it like that, but just the confidence.

I think I had to rewrite a whole story of

my needs are worth it too.

Tina: Mm-hmm.

Kass: You know? So I think I always knew, maybe I would've left earlier if we didn't have kids. Right, because then the story I definitely told myself was wanting to have [00:14:00] a family unit. Right. I can see me as the grandma, you know, hosting all of these things. And it's not that I like to entertain, I wouldn't word it that way, but I like a busy house.

Mm-hmm. Right Of laughter and just fun music and high energy. I know we can't always be like that, but the mundane moment. Are the most important ones. So yeah, we can plan trips and we can do this and that, but when I looked at what the everyday was and just getting out the door in the morning, again, I know everyone has their moments.

I feel like I always have to give context. But. Why can't we pretend we're under a meteor attack to get to the car to make it easier on children? Yeah. And I'm a little obnoxious like that with my imagination and my delusions. It's not that I knew I wanted to leave.

It was, can I make this work? And can I make this work for the things that I really, in my heart knew were [00:15:00] important to me? So up until in and around this time, I also didn't know, truly know what like my values were. And so throughout that process, right? Mm-hmm. Hiring different coaches and, ~um, I don't know, ~following the good Instagram accounts and stuff, you know, family's an important value of mine.

If they don't have the same values as me, then we don't care about the same stuff. It was a hard decision to come to.

Of course. Yeah. Yeah. So fucking hard. And I still have so much guilt. So much guilt, um, about not being able to have that whole family. When you're looking at a whole lifetime of someone, you could have bad years, not just bad days.

Tina: Yeah.

Kass: Not just bad months. And so that was something I was like, okay, this is just, these are just our hard years, right? We can get through this but when I tried to then put everything I learned into practice and it still wasn't [00:16:00] being met with care and compassion, that's when I knew like my emotional needs would never really be met.

Tina: Mm-hmm.

Kass: So,

Tina: and you know, you're just trying it.

Kass: I just, I tried the hat on. Yeah. I tried so many hats on. I did. This is just another hat for now. Yep. And, yeah, I wouldn't change a thing, but it's hard as fuck.

Tina: Yeah.

Kass: So hard and so tough.

But there's still so much to look forward to, even in still learning about myself. It's fun.

Tina: I don't think it ever ends.

Kass: I hope not. I think it's exciting.

I do my best to remind myself that, like, which gets really woo woo.

But it is what I believe is like my soul chose this, and so what do I wanna experience in, in this lifetime? And, I'll, I'll often say is like, what will my future self thank me for? And we only get one human experience like. Fuck. Make it [00:17:00] good. Yeah. Make it a good one.

Tina: I want you to tell me about your camping trip.

Kass: Mm. Okay. It's fun. So I've always had a thing with waterfalls.

Tina: Okay.

Kass: I don't,

Tina: me too, by the way.

What is it with water? I is water

Kass: and like, and I'm a Capricorn, so I'm an earth sign, but I don't know. I love beaches. I love water. Mm-hmm. And so, I don't know what it is with waterfalls. Years ago I took my kids on a little road trip, like a mini one.

We kind of just visited, some family in Burlington. And then came back down to Hamilton because I hear that Hamilton has amazing waterfalls. Mm-hmm. And so we ended up in just one.

I think we went to Tiffany Falls when I brought the kids, but I knew that there were so many more, and so I had always been wanting to do like a little road trip of Hamilton and the waterfalls. I didn't have the kids for a weekend and I mapped out everyone that I was gonna go [00:18:00] to. I think I put six on the list.

And I also found, 'cause I wanted to just see how much I could do myself. Mm-hmm. Like, I really was like, can I, can I make my own fire? Can I cook my own food? Like I really, I was like, what, what can I do here? Right. How long can I hike for? Just figuring it out as I went. So I ended up booking like a campsite on a conservation area and I also did the one without electrical.

I was like, really like baseline stuff here. And so I brought my dog, I brought Rory and I had about six on the list. And now before we even went, I was looking at the weather and it was supposed to like thunderstorm. Really bad storms, hurricane style stuff, and I.

Was like, fuck it, we're going. I'm not like, and it was supposed to hit right where all, all the places I wanted to go were, and I was like, Nope. Like we're [00:19:00] going. And even if I end up in the car the whole time, I planned this trip and it's happening.

So the first one I went to, like, you could walk right into it. And you couldn't swim in it. It wasn't deep enough. But yeah, I mean, Rory and I just hung up there. I took my shoes off. She was walking all around, and it was a short walk. It was just so cute and peaceful, like, yeah. Oh, and when you can hear it, right, so you're, you're walking up, it's like, oh my gosh.

And then you can feel, right, like you can almost feel the temperature change. Mm-hmm. And you could feel the water, right? And the air gets a little bit. More moist, I guess you could say. And you can hear it. I was like, oh my God, I got so excited. And we hung out there and then as our day went on, you could see like the clouds in the sky changing, but it never hit us.

Okay, so it rained a little bit. Yeah. But it never hit us. And I think out of the six, we managed to go to four of them.

Then we got back to the, the conservation area. And I couldn't get the fire lit [00:20:00] though. Like I brought all my kindling. I don't know why I couldn't get the fire lit. So was it one night you spent kindling Just one night? So I had, I resorted to my pbjs.

I couldn't That's fine. Couldn't cook my food and I didn't get coffee the next day. I even brought my, my french press. I was just gonna boil water and do my French press and, yeah, I couldn't do that either. But yeah, I just slept out, slept out of the back of my Jeep and, and tarped it. Okay. And yeah, Rory and I just slept in the Jeep.

Tina: How did it make you feel to camp by yourself?

Kass: I loved it. I absolutely loved it because a lot of our trips we go with other people and you know, similar to what you were saying, right, making other people happy, that's. A lot of what you do as a mom. Mm-hmm. And so to be able to do it and only have to worry about me and my feelings and my happiness and what I wanted to do was [00:21:00] very freeing.

Tina: Mm-hmm.

Kass: Yeah. ~And I would do it again, for sure. ~

Tina: ~Mm-hmm. ~I have hiked around a lot of waterfalls in Hamilton and they are gorgeous. I know. And it's like right there. And you wouldn't expect it, right? Yep. But yeah, Hamilton has a lot of beautiful falls. They do. I've never hiked or camped by myself.

And I have this thing where like, I need my car is my safety net.

Kass: Yeah.

Tina: So if I go like too far from my car, I'm very nervous. I'm like, oh, it's time to turn back, get back to the car. Like you need the exit strategy. ~I think that's what, but wait, you ~

Kass: ~mean like when you're hiking or ~when you're camping?

Well, I don't camp so hiking.

Tina: Well, this is what I'm kind of getting at. I just started biking and I had a fear around biking too, where like if I would end up stranded somewhere and like my tire broke or something happened, I would, I don't know, like we're in the city.

It's not that big of a deal, but in my head I'd be stranded. And so like literally like two weeks ago, I just biked to work for the first time. And I'm like, this is a new level that I just [00:22:00] unlocked.

Kass: I'm free. It's freeing. Yeah, it is. Especially when you, yeah, it was So being by myself in Hamilton, similar to what you're saying, right?

I didn't have a safety net. I didn't have anyone to bail me out or to help. Once I did it, I was like, yeah, I got this. Oh yeah, I can do this.

Tina: So what are you working on these days?

Kass: Ooh. In what sense? I mean, every bucket is being worked on right now.

Tina: You told me earlier that you are super busy with work

Kass: I know. And so that's why, I have to keep reminding myself I asked for this. We just had a new consultation today. I had a new inquiry just yesterday. But yeah, I have big plans and big dreams, and that's why I couldn't stay put where I was. It wasn't, didn't feel very supported.

And so, yeah, now I'm just trying to enjoy it while planning for the future. I wanna get into flipping houses and maybe living in Italy ~and one life. Mm-hmm. What do I wanna ~

Tina: ~experience? ~Of [00:23:00] course, because there's just new ideas that pop up all the time and you just have to like kind of go in that direction.

Kass: Yeah.

Tina: To know.

Kass: Yep. Right. So until something tells me that I shouldn't be living in Italy and can't live in Italy, that's where I'll probably be retiring. ~Yes. ~

Tina: ~Um, ~if people love you and they want to, find more about you or your work, where can they find you?

Kass: Uh, basically Kass design studio on anything. So Kass design studio.ca, Kass design studio on Facebook and Instagram.

I've got a personal Instagram too, just Kass d with like three E's, I think. Kass with a K

Tina: what kind of. Work do you like to do for design or like, what's your specialty? Is there one?

Kass: So I wanna say it's renovations.

Tina: Okay.

Kass: Yeah, so the renovations, the playing adult Tetris with rooms and, ~um, really, ~really thinking outside the box and unique things.

So some of my most proud projects were where we moved the [00:24:00] kitchen. Mm-hmm. So there was one in particular. They had worked with a cabinet designer on so many iterations of the kitchen, and they didn't like any of them. They weren't happy with them. And I came in and I was like, well, because where it's at right now sucks.

You're never gonna like it here. It's not accomplishing anything that you just told me that you want out of this. And they had a monstrosity of a gas fireplace. In their living room. I'm telling you, if you guys find the project, you're gonna know exactly which one I'm talking about, if you find my portfolio.

And so I was like, well, if the gas line's right there and you don't like the fireplace and you don't use it, let's just put your stove right there. And so we just kind of did this flip flop with their living room, their kitchen and their dining room, and they love it.

Tina: That sounds cool.

Kass: Yeah. So anytime I like those, those challenges.

But I shine with with any kind of renovation I'd like to say.

Tina: Yeah. Awesome. [00:25:00]

Kass: This has been really fun. This was awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for having me. Of course.

Tina: Thank you so much for being on the podKass. Yeah. And sharing your story with us. Well, and thanks for entertaining my animals. I know you didn't like it when I pet him too hard.

Kass: Handsome boy.

Tina: You got some sharp nails.

Kass: Mm-hmm.

​

If you live in Windsor, Essex County area in Ontario, Canada, then you should know that I host an open mic live storytelling event the last Saturday of every month at Aloe Lounge on Erie Street in Little Italy from five to 7:00 PM If you don't know what open mic storytelling is, well, I encourage anyone to come up and share their story.

We have different themes every month, the event. Celebrates connection, our humanness, our emotions, our rawness. It gives us [00:26:00] space to really express ourselves and to have people listen because I feel like we don't really get too much of this anymore. It is essentially a gathering of the souls and sharing a little part of ourselves.

With each other, whether it be a funny story, a sad story, a happy story, a romantic story, any story that is yours you can share. And I'm loving the community that is coming from this event, so come to the event. I hope to see you there. You can purchase tickets at Tales of the town.ca.